HUMOR

LET’S GO VINNY

Today was another extremely hot and humid day, and two figures away from the triple digits. The air conditioning from the small convenient store on the corner of seventh felt therapeutic against my skin. I stood there admiring the large Bob Marley picture on the wall while enjoying the cool atmosphere and was thinking that the store manager might have to go throw me outside to get rid of me. Obviously I wasn’t the only one or thing, thinking that way.

A girl and her Boxer Collie mix breed walked in, she joined a short line and I noticed admiringly, that the moment the dog’s leash went loose it sprawled out comfortably on the floor and closed its eyes. I couldn’t help gawking adorably in awe as like everyone else at his tall, poised structure covered with a well-groomed velvety brownish tan shag coat and easily decided he was one spectacular sight. While I wouldn’t want one for myself, I would definitely walk this one sometimes, I thought.

I chewed away at the gum I had bought and the customers after me were all gone now. The girl stood looking thoughtful with a pack of sanitary napkins peeping through the thinness of the faded white plastic bag she held. I could tell she was contemplating the heat and the rest of her journey. Her face was oily and she looked exhausted. I bet she was regretting her walk with such a terrible heat wave hovering.

I stared interestingly at her vividly uneasy appearance and then at her dog sprawled out in a totally opposite mood, so undisturbed and peacefully sleeping. Several minutes had passed before she took up his blue and yellow twisted cord leash and gently tugged it. The dog didn’t even stir so she momentarily pulled at it to attract its attention.

By this another line was filing out and getting closer to where the dog had laid motionless. Now the girl was silently upset and whispering in a firm tone: “Let’s go Vinny. Let’s go Vinny.” The dog didn’t budge even with her hands on him gentle shaking him. She cracked an apologetic smile at everyone and said, “He’s never like this.” She shook her head and impatiently poked Vinny to get up. He was making a fool of her and she was kind of looking embarrassed, more like pissed to me.

Finally Vinny opened his eyes and she cracked a smile of relief. “Let’s go Vinny.” She urged impatiently. She poked and tickled him to get up but Vinny still didn’t move. I was totally amused now and so were all the other patrons. Probably ‘Minutes Away Food Mart’ was the only little convenient store that allows pets for ten minutes. It was written boldly next to the Bob Marley picture on the wall and I guess that was all the time one needs to get their purchases. It was a little expensive to shop there so patrons as myself mostly buy an item or two that really was needed.

The manager, no doubt had been watching the show all along, got out of his secluded tinted glass cubicle and stepped briskly towards Vinny and his temp. The dog didn’t even look up and I felt pleased that now I had good reason to linger for a while longer in the convenience of a cool air without feeling like a squatter.

Unlike everyone else, probably I was the only one who already knew the reason behind the dog’s behavior. Simply put–Vinny was just trying to escape the terrible heat too. Christ the dog is sensitive enough to understand good from bad temperature.

The manager firmly poked Vinny to get up, but the dog just looked at him for a second then turned his head away while the poor girl pleaded and pulled at the leash. The manager akimbo, tapped his foot impatiently and told the girl firmly to lift her dog out of the store.

Vinny was more than half her size, probably over 70 lbs and it was already tormenting enough outside plus carrying a big dog was unimaginable. I had to stifle down an outburst of laughter as the poor girl panted and struggled to lift the stubborn dog up. She was glaring at Vinny as she stumbled outside. The manager shook his head in disbelief at the unusual situation. Once outdoors and back on the road the girl roughly dropped Vinny to the ground. The dog reluctantly but skillfully landed on his paws. I’m sure she wasn’t taking Vinny for a walk any time soon after today, I thought in much amusement. END

———————————————————————————————————————————————-

SPYWARE

 

 

END

———————————————————————————————————————————————-

 

THE JAMAICAN AND THE DEVIL

On a ship an American, an English man, and a Jamaican were sailing. Suddenly the Devil appeared and said, “Drop something in the sea; if I find it I will eat you … If I can’t, then I will be your slave!”

The American dropped a diamond. The Devil quickly found it and ate him.

The English man dropped tiny platinum piece. The Devil found it and ate him too.

Now it’s the Jamaican man’s turn …. He proceeded to open a bottle of water, and poured it in the sea!

His words to the Devil, “Yeah man, find that nuh?”

END

_________________________________________________________________________________________

BOSS

My EX was one of the Site Manager’s on his family owned Engineering & Building Construction Company, (big company… more than 300 employees). I noticed that of all the Site Managers, my EX was the only one whom the employees addressed as BOSS. They would address the other managers by their surnames.

I always wonder why and even thought that it was probably because he was family why they addressed him so. One day out of curiosity I decided to ask one of the workers. He was a long-standing and loyal employee to my EX.

Gambler didn’t answer my question directly, and all he said was:  ” You should call him BOSS too.”

His reply had startled me, and I didn’t really understand it, “but anyway what the heck.” I decided and it was two years later and after I had angrily walked out of the marriage I realized what Gambler was trying to tell me. In the company of a few guys was when I got the answer and understood Gambler’s then reply. LOL.

BOSS: The guys disclosed that usually when employers are referred to as Boss by their workers, it mean that the workers hate their guts for either their bad treatment, bullying or abuse on them. LOL.

END

***

***

_________________________________________________________________________________________

BALLS

My Boss played Golf, so he’d usually practice at the work place, so there are balls all over the place.

One day for some reason he couldn’t find any of his balls, so he ask me if I had seen any of his BALLS.

My answer under my breath was, (in a whisper):  “check your pants boss. LOL.

END

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

MR. DEATH

Early one morning the servant of a wealthy tycoon stood in the garden where he normally worked. As he  watered the beautiful flowers at the gate of the mansion, Mister Death stopped by.

“Good morning Mister Death.” The polite and humble servant said.

“What’s so good about the morning.” Was Mister Death”s reply. “Tell your Boss I come for him.”

“Sorry  Sir, but I can’t disturb him as he is upstairs in his chamber relaxing.” The servant stated.

“Okay then, tell him I”ll come back for him in the morning.” Mister death said and left.

**The servant gave his Master the news, and right away Master started to plan how to out-smart Mister Death.

Next morning the Master dressed in the servant’s old garments, went in the garden and started watering the flowers as the servant would usually do. Mister Death was punctual on his next visit.

“Good morning Mister Death.” The Master  politely and humbly said, in the same manner as his servant.

“What’s good about the morning.” Mister Death replied in his usually grumpy voice. ” Go fetch your Master this minute.” he ordered.

“Ok Sir.” The Master replied as the servant would, and stepped off to get him.

“Hold it there.” Mister Death shouted and hissed his teeth. “I’ll just take you instead .” He said and snatched  the frightened Master. LOL

END

——————————————————————————————————————————————————

OH, NOOO GRANNY!”

This is a true story and many persons who were grandparents’ pets can relate. You know grandparents always have an extra special love for their grandchildren and when a grandchild came out good to them; he’s like his grandparents eyeball. 

The Story

Old folks are habitual early birds especially the seasoned country people.  Ray’s grandmother Ermine was no different. She was a determined and strong-willed old woman who practically raised him single-handedly. Her daughter had died during child’s birth and back then unfortunately baby fathers were usually absent.

Ray had grown up to be a sound minded and ambitious country bumpkin that did well at fulfilling his dreams of growing up fast, leaving the dull country life behind and becoming a police detective in the big bright city. He landed an uptown office job with the Special Branch Police Department, working on top cases and mingling with the rich and the famous.

Ray was basking in his dream life, had a nice house, a nice car and great friends. Later he met and proposed to the sophisticated and educated Pamela Inswood who was a teller at the uptown commercial bank.  Things were going fine and Ray visited his old granny often in the country, making sure she was taken care of and contented.

Ermine adored her beautiful grand-daughter in-law and was bursting with pride and joy over the announcement of the wedding. She was very proud of her grandson and she often reflected back on how they had nothing and had endured a life of hardship and what they had now, was a blessing from God. Her previous little shack was now a decent house in the little district of Red Ground and the residents loved and respected her for her strength and Godliness.

A month before the big day Ray sent her an official wedding invitation. The event would be held in an upscale community at the luxurious top-of-the-line Golden Dragon Restaurant which was catering strictly for sixty guests.The kind of wedding Pamela wanted was costly and almost consumed all of Ray’s hard earned savings, nevertheless he was contented with his decisions and wouldn’t want things any other way.

Half hour before the nuptials Ray, his best man and groomsmen were immaculately dressed and chilling in a private lounge at the prestigious restaurant when he got a phone call that immediately changed his mood. He felt a burden and his chest tightened. He was agitated and tried to hide his shock. Nonetheless his best friend since police training school and now best man knew something was wrong. Ray immediately excused himself from the group and hurried outside with Kirk behind in his wake. On their short walk out to the parking lot, Ray was almost speechless and could barely stutter out what had happened. It just didn’t make sense and he was appalled and shocked out of his wits.

Ray’s granny had turned up at his wedding with a bus load of uninvited country folks, most of who knew him since he was a boy in Red Ground. Apparently with one invitation Ermine rounded up the entire district, hired a humongous bus and brought them all to the city at his private wedding. How could she do such a thing and what was he going to do now?  The wedding was a catered affair. He could strangle the daylight out of his old granny for being so thoughtless. He was weak to the knees from disbelief and felt like collapsing to the ground. Ray’s mind went blank by anger and confusion and he gasped at the sight of the old dented country bus, lopsided and hideous as it sat in the parking lot against a line of the most posh vehicles in the city.

Ray’s brows tightened, God his biggest day was going to be his worst embarrassment; a disaster. His heart raced with confusion and distress as he walked up to them. The bus was ugly and dusty from the long journey and the tires had dark red dirt set in their grooves. Ray shook his head and felt insulted by it all. Probably it was raining in Red Ground when they had left this morning. The journey into the city was usually over two hours.

He made a good face greeting and hugging back as his country folks filed out one by one bursting with happiness, as they congratulated and hugged him. They were dressed in all sorts of colors that didn’t blend in with the wedding color scheme. They were the most outdated and hideous fashions he had ever seen. Ray was uncomfortable and Pamela was going to have an ulcer when she finds out, he decided, silently and slowly going on a verge of insanity.

The old women of Red Ground pride themselves in wig wearing and God knows he wasn’t being callous or critical but the ones he noticed could do well with some oil sheen, scissors trimming and proper grooming. They were definitely going to attract all the attention at the wedding. Wrinkled old faces showed off heavy Angel Face powder makeup that made them appeared ghostlike. Ray stood in a daze as he mechanically hugged and fixed a smile while the ecstatic group cramped and stifled him with their unsettling presence and mixed fragrances.

Several minutes later Ray’s mind snapped back to reality. His chest was pounding hard, he had to do something fast so he told them to sit tight in the bus and he’d send an usher to get them assigned to their seats as soon as possible and he rushed to rectify the growing chaos. It was an impossible task but he had to do something to repair the damage. Country folks don’t blend in well with city crowd and he was in great anticipation about the inevitable. This was going to cost him both money he didn’t have and worst the embarrassment and to make such a drastic change at such short notice gave him a headache. Kirk offered to help with a loan which he unwillingly accepted. “Thank God they were half an hour early.” Ray breathe a laboring sigh after his brain racking consultation with the wedding caterers ad planners. The price and pressure to facilitate the adjustment almost gave him a heart attack  and he was going to be broke and mad with his old granny for a very long time. END